No, I don’t idolize Bono, and I won’t wait weeks on the rain to hold The Edge’s hand, or some crazy thing like that. What I am about to say has nothing to do with idolizing or being a fan of U2. Well, maybe a little. It starts with me about 11 years ago when my dad came back from Chile to Lima, Peru and brought me “All that you can’t leave behind”, the U2 album that was released about 10 years ago. I quickly fell in love with the band, the lyrics, the music. I saw documentaries about them. I listened to their CD’s which I purchased over the years. I bought the Rattle and Hum movie in videocassette form and played it so often that I even memorized speeches that Bono made in between songs–well I also googled them since English isn’t actually my first language. I collected lyrics from their songs and read them while I heard their CD’s. Maybe at that time I was a hardcore fan, but it was always about the music. U2′s message always resonated with me, so spiritual in a way that could be felt by everyone, so open to interpretations at times, and the music had passion. Plus, when Bono sang you could see the music in all of his body, which was pretty awesome since I used to do some dancing. I don’t know if it was the best kind of music ever. To me it’s still pretty good but the message of social justice through some of their songs struck a chord with who I was, or who I was becoming as an individual.
Again, this is a tale not of idolatry but of spirituality. You see, like the band, I started my life in the Catholic Church. Singing has been part of praising God since my earliest recollections of acts of devotion. I sing pretty bad. But singing… actuatlly now that I think of it, singing is the only activity that makes me happy to my core. It overcomes me. I become something else. I feel a connection to something so within me that it’s beyond me. And I can rejoice to the core of my being. So maybe it was the music tonight that took me to a time when I was a very spirtual being, when social justice, humanism, God and all of me was ONE (for those U2 fans, no pun intended)
At that point of my life I was a very spiritual being. I don’t know what happened. Maybe if I try to recall I’ll remember how I started losing my faith. In reality, I’ve always believed in something else, whether I call it an energy, divinity, God… or simply “something els”e. I believe in that. A connection between all of us. A synergy. A Sui Generis kind of thing. I don’t know. I discover more of the nature of the divine every day that goes by, except its name… that escapes me, and I rather not “know” it, in all honesty. Since to “know” something means you can be wrong. And ultimate truth is way too overrated.
I prayed so much when I was little. I prayed so I could believe in Jesus. Don’t get me wrong, I loved God, and I loved Jesus, I just didn’t know if he was actually the son of God. But when I was singing, man, when I was singing in retreats I got so emotional that tears fell down my face and I didn’t care. I was soooo connected. If this is giving you the creeps because you think this is kind of a “Jesus Camp” documentary-kind-of-thing, let me tell you, it sort of was. In many ways to this day, the idea that I’m a sinner has stuck with me and done much damage to my self-worth. But let me tell you this, and I ask you to keep an open mind, when it was about rejoicing in the glory of God, which to translate in humanistic terms would be to find joy in the existence of everything, was one of the most extraordinary things I’ve ever felt.
Mysticism, being open to something else is not a gift everyone has. And maybe that gift isn’t valuable to many. Hey, not everyone wants a bike on Christmas, right? But I so needed mysticism. I so need it now. And I’ve gone places, I’ve chanted, I’ve meditated. I’ve found peace. But the connection that I’ve felt when I was singing during mass and at retreats has never come back.
In my attempts to find that mysticism I went back to church a couple of times, only to find the same things that made me leave. The word “sin”, so often misused. How can you tel a kid that they are a sinner? That should be a sin in itself. But well, here it was, this word sin. So ugly. But then I heard the definition of sin. Sin is something that keeps you away from God. For the non-believers, bear with me. Actually for the believers, bear with me too. Or not, it’s your choice. But it’s gonna get good so you should stick around. If sin was something that kept me away from God, how could so many things that made me closer to Him or Her be the things that made me a “sinner”.
And here’s when it all started. I came out of the closet. And it was hell from there, spiritually speaking. Well, nothing like being gay and religious to get you thinking about your soul. So I’m glad I struggled to come out because I have such an amazing understanding of my spirit thanks to that.
You see when someone calls you a sinner or a beautiful part of you “a sin” or even implies it, the damage done is one of the biggest pains you’ll ever live. Well, it depends who says it. If you go knocking on people’s doors to campaign and someone names you a godless queer chances are you’re going to say something equally horrible and get the fuck out of there. But if a friend or a relative says it. That will stay with you. And if you ask me how long, let me tell you, I ask myself the same question every day. Some people think it’s about politics. But the fact is, it’s beyond that… we’re talking about the nature of our souls and the nature of the most beautiful thing we can offer to someone, love.
So because most of this reactions had some connection to the church of my baptism I started rejecting the ideas of Chuch, and the idea of Jesus and the idea of God. Every once in a while I found myself praying. I even woke up evey once in a while praying “Our father”. I became a buddhist, which I still am by philosophy. I became a Unitarian Universalist, which also I still am by philosophy. These were welcoming spaces. I chanted in the first, sang at the others. These made me feel like I had a place in God. A place where people saw the nature of what was true within me. It had nothing to do with them being accepting or not. They just saw the truth in me. I was not a sinner. I was a precious being.
A buddhist nun once told me that our flaws are actually not a bad thing. They help us to understand other people better, to be more compassionate. So in reality, we are perfect, “flaws” and all. I downloaded this recording from a buddhist teacher. The first line says “You are precious”. If only they could tell me this at church rather than “You are a sinner”. I guess they do tell you this when they tell you that you are created to God’s image. Because of this I just find the first idea to be a contradiction. But I’m not here to change people’s churches.
Tonight as I was singing some songs at the top of my lungs, I felt it again, that connection, that same feeling I felt at the Silvio Rodriguez concert and before that probably since I ever sang at a retreat, maybe in 2004. It’s been a while since I sang to “something else”. I sang “I still Haven’t Found what I’m looking for”. And I got the song. I got it. At least tonight’s message, I got it! “I have climbed the highest mountains, I have run through the fields only to be with you, only to be with you. I have run I have crawled, I have scaled these city walls, these city walls, only to be with you, only to be with you. But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.” I remembered the gospel version of the song in that Rattle and Hum video I had seen years before and I thought “My God, I have done so much to find you and I still can’t see you” But the weirdest thing is here I am, talking to God and talking, and talking, and talking so much throughout the years that I’ve never taken the time to actually listen, to just shut up and wait for a response. And I’ve felt it.
Lately, I find peace when I imagine myself being embraced by Jesus. Do I believe he’s the son of God? Geez, how should I know? I just know that when I picture this, I fall asleep like a baby with a warmth inside me you can’t take away. I’ve always felt more connected to ”something else/ God” more than Jesus. I talk to “that”. And sometimes I even listen. But not often. I listen when I feel it in my body. That’s why this concert and the Silvio Rodriguez concert have actually made me realize how spiritual I am, how unified I am when I sing and dance and just feel the songs within me. These are not church songs, most of them, but they were all gospel songs in a way.
Walk on, reminded me of all that I need to leave behind to start anew. “And I know it aches and your heart it breaks but you can only take so much, walk on, leave it behind, you’ve got to leave it behind” Leaving behind what you love because you can only take so much. check!
Then, the song about MLK, with Jesus undertones, ”Pride (In the name of Love)”. That was beautiful. I’ve been thinking lately about social justice and whether I am willing to make the sacrifices in my life, whether what I do is out of love for people and not out of love for ideals and good v. evil? If what I do I do out of love more than of anger? What kind of justice do I practice? And I’ve come to the realization that in life you need to make a decision, a very real decision. Not in a ideal way, not in a way of what you should or shold not do, in a practical way, are you willing to give up having a comfortable life so that you can dedicate your life to being an activist and being of service? There’s no right or wrong, the question is, can you do it? And I’m leaning more towards “yes”. But it’s a decision tough to make. Especially since at this point, I’m thinking so much of the future. What if I have a family, etc? But at this point is yes. So when I sang that song. “What more in the name of love” I sang it with such devotion for my fellow human beings. I am devoted to God, and to the service of others, to help others fight for their dignity, for their lives ”They took your life, they could not take your pride”. Pride. Pride is knowing you are a child of God, or a beautiful being. One of the two, whichever you choose.
It’s a beautiful day. Such a buddhist song, I swear. But also very “theist”.
You see, I grew up believing in things. And breaking with them, though I’ve tried is just not gonna work. I need God in my life! I thought I needed church in my life! But apparently all I need is a choir! I used to think church was like that home where you’re not entirely accepted but hey, it’s home! you gotta go back. But after this I’m thinking, to feel this connected to God here at a U2 concert, where I did not expect it at all is a sign that there are other ways to get to Him or Her or It, to feel It bloom, from within me, with all its joy, happiness and peacefulness and healing and acceptance and compassion and passion for life outside of Church. That way is through singing, through singing while others are singing, and closing my eyes and listenING to the words of other human beings. What others say is a form of gospel, we are still prophets for each other, sometimes we just don’t know. So the next time your friend opens his or her mouth it might be God talking. Listen. You’ll miss God’s message if you don’t listen. When you pray, pray at ease, and don’t pray, pray, pray, pray and never take the time to listen to the answer to your questions. If you never shut up in your conversation with God, how can God talk back to you, huh?
I am so lucky to have this precious gift of spirituality, to feel this connection, to feel immense love and joy.
After this realization, maybe it was 3/4 into the concert, I felt a little sad for the church of my childhood. I felt that it was really sad, that because its hierarchy couldn’t see, feel or know the truth within me but they assumed to understand it, they hurt me so much, almost to the core of my being, to the point where they tainted my relationship with God and made me think that GOD , all Love, would make me love in this way only to want me not to embrace this gift. Who would do that? Not God, I think. Not the God that I feel in my heart. So I felt sad for the church, because throughout all these years and through all these spiritual struggles, I’ve find the strenght to believe in God. If I was welcomed at church, truly welcomed, I would be one of the most devoted parishioners. But I haven’t found a church of my baptism that has been truly welcoming. A church where everyone can look into my eyes or put their hands on my heart and feel what I feel. It’s all about empathy. Feel what I feel. I am so devoted and so spiritual that any church should be lucky to have me.
I smiled “bittwesweetly” at the though of this. How much devotion is our society losing only for taking it away from the stigmatized?” It’s sad. Sad that so much spiritual loss is taking place in the name of God.
I kept singing, singing and finding God in the notes, in how the sound related to my body, how I could close my eyes and feel connected to a lot of people at the stadium.
After this concert, I felt so energized, so connected, so much like I was only one whole person and beyond, like I was part of something else. And because I was there with other fans, singing and dancing, I felt myself equal among strangers like I had not felt in a while. I thought “If you cut me, don’t I bleed red, warm blood just like you? Don’t I dance like you? Don’t I feel like you? Don’t I sing like you? I’m just the same as you. I exist. I’m a human being. I’m a child of God.” I felt human again and spiritual. My spirituality and my sexuality were completely at peace with each other. I started to heal that wound.
I have a path to God again. No one can take that away. It’s a fragile path that needs work on it. Needs constant watching so I never forget. Maybe writing this blog, or getting the next tickets to a concert will help me to remember. All I know is that I sing, maybe badly, but singing meaningful songs, songs like U2 songs, songs of justice, songs of devotion, songs of love, songs of service, songs of living, songs of feeling, songs of loving, makes me feel precious. I feel made from God’s image instead of a sinner, I feel healed, no scars, no hurts, no pain, no confusion, precious, joyful, happy , unified, “ONE, One Love, One Life”
Like Bono sang tonight and like I sang tonight, and like a whole stadium responded to me in the form of God ”Love is a Temple, Love the Highest Law”
I’m reclaiming my gift, I was born to be spiritual, I was born to be devoted to something beyond me. This is who I am. And just because one of the things that I am is tied to an sterotyped identity void or, in reality, stripped off, spirituality, it doesn’t mean I have to refuse my gift of loving God, and feeling loved by “It”. My struggle to find my little place back in the body of God, even as people try to push us outside of its body has made me very spiritual. And though I don’t wish the future generations of two-spirit babies to suffer through this, I am grateful for my struggle. It has brought me to an understanding of my spirit and soul that I wouldn’t have had without it. All these questions, all these confusions, all these… “ideas” that people make up to understand something that they don’t feel, it can seep into your brain, but never let it seep into your soul.
If you love God, love “It”! With all your heart! Don’t let anyone close the door for you that “He”, “She”, “It” opened when you were given the gift of “spirituality”. Don’t let anyone ever tell you you can’t be spiritual and love how you are meant to love at the same time. Don’t let anyone ever push you away from the body of God. And if they have and you gave up but in reality you want to go back, go back! Make your way back into the energy, the beauty of all existence, reclaim it. If you were born a spiritual, two-spirit baby… reclaim ALL your identities. Spiritual and Two-spirit both! Become whole again, these identities are in harmony if you open yourself to that connection, if you allow yourself to heal, if you can just stop for a second and listen.
