p.s. This one is a downer… y es personal. I don’t like to share facts of my personal life, unless it’s in a lyrical form but if I don’t publish this… I might as well stop any attempt to communicate for the rest of my life with any living creature….

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The process of bilingualism is a tunnel of silence stripping you from your devices, containing your emotions boiling from within and no windows for communication. 10% of my message is out and my reflection en las paredes-espejos oblicuos que me rodean reflect my stupidity. Perhaps it is within me where I keep mis ideas de forma ordenada y un papel en donde las articulo y las puedo expresar. But you can’t scream sobre un teclado. There is no one out there to listen. It’s such a lonely world, such lonely words, such lonely listening when you cannot feel or can halfway understand, halfway say what’s on your mind. When is it going to be over? Is it always like this? Are we a nation? isolated islands maybe. We all now speak our own unintelligible languages. A blank canvas for a face… silence is creeping in, internalized in my memory, my intellectual processes. Silence, like a mortal disease, spreads throughout the body, el cuerpo y alma, weakening the core of the ego, the capabilities of your intelect. And written words no pueden contener mis gritos de auxilio. And written words are like a safe space-trap in which I hide… and written words… written words are not the same. It’s been a while since the last time I spoke and I actually said everything I had to say. It’s been a while since I don’t doubt every word that comes out of my mouth and my ability to reach someone the way I want to reach him or her. Years have passed… Silencio. El túnel se alarga cada vez más. I used to see the end of this. And I am patient but some days, like today, I cannot see the light at the end. Somedays I just have to give up and do what you can do best when you can’t articulate what’s on your mind. Somedays, like today, I just have to cry. But I have no tears left in me. And that’s when I get scared…. porque no sé cuánto más puede la mente, el alma, o la mierda que uno es… no sé cuanto puede uno aguantar. Y no sé si es sólo en mí que esto sucede. Does it happen to any of you out there? Do you feel the same way? Or am I just truly an idiot? Al final de esta historia no hay luz resplandeciente waiting for me at the end. Y si está ahí y es transparente, today I am not gonna try to be hopeful… I am not gonna try to be patient. I am simply NOT GONNA TRY. I don’t care. From now on I’ll be quiet.. or quieter … How much silence can one person take?